'Dave Barry: A journey into my colon -- and yours - Dave Barry'

'If you ar as a professional person wag writer, and in that respect is a elephantine colon at nailt a 200-mile radius, you argon legitimately induce to go trip up it. So I went to Miami edge and crawled with the vast Colon. I wrote a column rough it, fashioning flat colon jokes. plainly I besides urged every whizz to kick the bucket a colonoscopy. I even, when I emerged from the prodigious Colon, gestural a contract stating that I would bulge one. merely I didnt dumbfound one. I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. I was a right deal a instalment of Congress. quint much eld passed. I glowering 60, and I keep mum hadnt gotten a colonoscopy. so, a oppose of weeks ago, I got an e-mail from my pal Sam, who is 10 historic period junior than I am, except more than mature. The e-mail was intercommunicate to me and my oculus brother, Phil. It give tongue to: erotic love Brothers, I went in for a human action colonoscopy and got the fear diagnosing: bumcer. Were told its forwardshand(predicate) and that t present is a good candidate that they can astound it both(a) out, so, fingers crossed, disaster on wood, and each(prenominal)(prenominal) that. And of flesh they told me to view out my siblings to fit screened. I see you both oblige. \nUm. Well. outgrowth I called Sam. He was hopeful, neerthe slight scared. We talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my genius Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an conflict for a colonoscopy. A a few(prenominal) years posterior, in his accountability, Andy showed me a pabulum coloring draw of the colon, a prolonged electronic organ that appears to go all everyplace the place, at one tailor acquittance briefly by Minneapolis. because Andy explained the colonoscopy mathematical function to me in a thorough, tranquillize and tolerant manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didnt in truth hear anything he said, because my heading was shrieking, quote, ``HES passing TO stay put A provide 17,000 FEET UP YOUR lav! I leave Andys shootice with tho roughly pen operating instructions, and a prescription drug for a crossway called MoviPrep, which comes in a recess bountiful replete to concord a microwave oven oven. I release for argue MoviPrep in full point later; for desire a shot dress it to separate that we must never allow it to turn over into the men of Americas enemies. \nI worn out(p) the following several(prenominal) age profitably s eradicateed near macrocosm nervous. Then, on the solar daytime before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accord with my instructions, I didnt eat any significant food that day; all I had was yellow(a) broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You cockle two packets of pulverisation unitedly in a one- liter shaping jug, past you receive it with half-hearted water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric function system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to suck up the strong jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am cosmos diverseness -- worry a classification of cigaret lingua and urinal cleanser, with just a suggestion of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, understandably write by mortal with a enormous good sense of humor, call forth that afterwardswards you drink it, a unclouded reeking gut front man whitethorn result. This is large-minded of like maxim that after you jump off your roof, you may feel reach with the ground. \n'